The trouble with long johns

Published 1:23 pm Tuesday, November 8, 2016

It is now November and I feel the need to prepare for cold weather here in Colorado. 

I actually live in long johns from October until the following March, so even though it still is not cold here yet, I am gonna get ready.

Here is what happened to me last week.

Did you know that long john thermal underwear shrink at least three sizes in the dryer?

Now, it wouldn’t matter, at least to me, if they shrink width-wise since I am very “unwide” anyways. 

But, the long johns shrink length-wise — you know, from your waist to your ankles. This is causing me major stress.

Of course, being almost addicted to cleanliness, I change them a lot — after every shower — and that is where the trouble starts. The top part shrinks up, both the body and the sleeves and when I look into the mirror and think I look like Twiggy, skinny and with every last thing under that top showing to the best of their ability.

Well, it is not a pretty sight.

“Why not,” I ask. “What’s wrong with being a natural woman?”

My answer to myself? “Actually, most natural women are symmetrical. You know, the same on both sides. 

But I — oh the shame of it all — am wankeyjawed in my Golden Years. Why? I don’t know. But, well, never mind, you get the picture.

Yet, there is more. It’s the bottom part of my long johns They,  too, shrink length-wise.

When I slip on the bottoms, I want them perfectly positioned on my legs. I cannot. The elastic waist band reaches to just below my hip bones which puts the, um, crotch somewhere just above my knees.

Have you ever tried to walk in anything that has your crotch around your knees? You cannot take normal steps and your knees smack together with every step.

Not easily daunted, I hike up those pants as hard as I can, sometimes almost lifting myself right smack off the floor. Then I sort of bunny hop across the room, yanking with every hop, trying to bring the waist band up where it is supposed to be.  After all, I do care how I look.

And guess what? I actually get them up there sometimes so I quickly jump into jeans, zip up and prepare for my day. 

Here comes the tragedy.

Depending on my day’s plans, they stay up at first. But by the time I get to the dining room or, God forbid, out to dinner somewhere, they have slid down and, believe me, the bunching up of material plus the way I am walking like a toy wooden soldier is so unladylike! 

I mean, the what do I do? Do I just keep walking that way or do I give the thermals another yank? 

Now, I have figured out how to yank them several different ways but honestly, no matter what I do, I still look like someone with a definite problem between my ribs and my knees. 

Maybe I should just stay inside all winter, that is if we have one this year.

Then instead of wearing my long johns, I could wear a bikini under my clothes. It would solve the sagging crotch thing but, listen, do you know if they make the top part, you know, with an extra layer of material to, you know, even stuff up a little?

Let me tell you one thing: These Golden Years are just fraught with stress!

For right now, the view from the mountains is wondrous.