Story too terrible to be true

Published 2:20 pm Tuesday, March 21, 2017


can already hear it: “She’s making this story up. Nobody is that inept.”

Well, let me assure you — I am not making any of it up. I’m not that smart.

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The other night it was time to feed and then cover the bird cage. We have had Fruit Punch (a parrot) about two years, and I have more or less taken over the care of her.

Her bedtime is 7:30 p.m. and by that time, I am in PJs so I put on my blue robe and closed it with an attached sash, tying it in a bow.

Before I took two steps in the hall, it came undone. My pajamas are see-through so when the robe opens, well you get the idea.

I tied it again tighter this times. It came undone again.

Three times I tied and three times it split open.

By that time, I was short on patience so I made a knot of it, a hard knot.

I reached the bird cage and the first thing I noticed was she had almost no water. Poor little thing. I removed the water tube from its holder and refilled it, but as I tried to fit it back in its holder, every last drop of water poured out and into her cage.

Lord have mercy! I could not leave the whole bottom of the cage sopping wet. By then, I was feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to go to bed and there was nobody around to help me clean up the wet mess. All the while I sopped up the water, dear Fruit Punch was screeching her little head off.

I am not sure what she was saying, but I am pretty sure she was calling me names.

Finally, when the job was done, do you think she appreciated my efforts? No.

Without even talking to her like I usually do, I refilled the water tube and managed to get it into the holder that time. She screamed again, so I called her a few bad names which, with my luck, she will repeat to all the residents in the morning.

As I walked back to my apartment, I thought, “I will just take my robe off and settle down with a bottle of apple juice.”

Well, guess what? Remember that hard knot I put in the sash? When I tried to undo, it would not budge.

Oh, for crying in the sink. What next?

I pulled and jerked and everything I knew to untie that knot but nothing worked. I even poked a pencil into it, but no way.

You have to know that my blue robe is silk and very beautiful, but I was beginning to think I would have to live in it.

I grabbed a knife. I knew it would ruin my robe but enough is enough. I jammed the pointy end into the knot and somehow it hit the right part of the knot and that lovely sash fell gracefully to the floor.

It can’t get any worse, I thought, as I reached for the bottle of apple juice.

I almost can’t write this. I know you have already seen the writing on the wall — yep, the screw top would not unscrew. I tried and tried but never did get that bottle open.

I literally threw up my hands, climbed into my soft little bed, asked God to forgive my impatience and “choice words” and fell asleep. Surely tomorrow will be better.

The view from the mountains is wondrous.