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Library: The death of a cereal killer

By John Maruskin

Clark County Public Library

“The Northern Lights have seen strange sight,” Robert Service rhymed. He coulda’ (sic) penned an epic at Clark County Public Library.

Last week, Joe Barnes flabbergasted us with what looked like ginko guillotine, but turned out to be an amply-bladed 1903 pencil sharpener (Also slices Brussels sprouts).

Then on Friday, Shirley Readhimer brought this story to Write Local. The previous week we discussed the death of Donald Harvey and Debbie Hatfield asked, “Who goes to the funeral of a serial killer?”

That became the week’s writing prompt. Shirley wrote:

Death of a “Cereal” Killer

“Mikey seemed to be a normal child, except for one strange thing. He seemed to have no taste buds. His two older brothers taunted him constantly.

“‘Give it to Mikey! He’ll eat anything!’

“Strangest of all, Mikey developed an enormous appetite for cereal.

“Voraciously, he downed every box of cereal his chubby little hands could reach. His mother begged and pleaded for him to stop. She took him to many specialists but nothing could drown his appetite for cereal.

“By the time Mikey grew to adulthood, he left the spoon and bowl behind and ate straight out of the box. This addiction led to Mikey killing off whole boxes of cereal in one swallow.

“He began to hang out at local grocery stores. He had to be stopped. A trap was set and Mikey was arrested in the cereal aisle of the local Piggly Wiggly.

“The crowd of onlookers raised their voices in harmony as he was taken out in hand-cuff, ‘Cheerio! Cheerio! Cheerio!’

“Mikey was tried as a ‘Cereal Killer’ and given ‘Life’ in prison.

“If he behaved, he would be given ‘Special K’ privileges but this was not to be. Mikey soon became a hardened criminal.

“His incarceration had driven him ‘Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.’

“Mikey finally met his demise when ‘Cap’n Crunch’ paid him a jail cell visit.

“Mikey was nearly unrecognizable. He was ID’d by the state-issued ‘Tony the Tiger’ T-shirt he was wearing at the time of his death.

“Mikey was heard screaming, ‘They’re Grrrrreat!’ as the end neared. His expiration date had expired.

“Mikey’s body was shipped home. Everyone wondered who would be there to meet his body at the station?

“As the train pulled up, one small figure stepped forward. It was ‘Pebbles.’ She had met Mikey when she was turning ‘Trix’ in her youth. ‘Pebbles’ wrote to Mikey in prison and they had developed a long distance affair. She was his ‘Lucky Charm.’ ‘Magically Delicious,’ Mickey used to brag.

“The service was, of course, held in the morning, during the breakfast hour. A small group milled around waiting for the pastor to arrive. There was ‘Shredded Wheat’ and his wife ‘Frosted Mini Wheats.’ Big Shredded was on parole and on his best behavior.

“‘Fruit Loops’ was there in his straight jacket attended by his nurse ‘Honey Comb’ known for her sky high beehive hairdo that eerily had bees buzzing in and out.

“Finally, the funeral coach arrived and out stepped Pastor ‘Wheaties’ holding his Bible with the picture of Caitlyn Jenner on the front.

“Borrowed pallbearers pulled Mikey’s coffin out and walked slowly to the grave site. As they arrived, the guests leaned forward to gaze, only to realize Mikey was encased in a giant cereal box with only one ingredient, Mikey.

“The service was brief and a fitting end had been planned.

“Each mourner walked by and tossed a handful of ‘Rice Crispies’ and one cup of milk into the grave. As they walked away, they knew Mikey would have the final say.

“‘SNAP! KRACKLE! POP!’ rang out in the clear morning air.

“It is requested that in lieu of flowers, box top points be sent to your favorite charity.”

Hmm. Maybe this should be published in the obits?

John Maruskin is director of adult services at the Clark County Public Library. He can be reached at john.clarkbooks@gmail.com.