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By Jack Godbey

Columnist

I was driving home from work and out of the blue, the craving for beef jerky hit me like a flash of lightning. I tried to resist, telling myself that I didn’t have time to stop at the store because I needed to get home to mow the grass. I decided that the grass wasn’t going anywhere. I’ve been avoiding it like a crazy ex-girlfriend for two weeks now. What’s another 10 minutes?

I thought about getting a cart, but decided I didn’t need one. After all, I was only getting some beef jerky. It didn’t take long to regret that decision as I somehow ended up with an armload of snacks that I hadn’t planned on buying and was walking through the store trying to balance everything with my chin holding everything in place. I figured I was already invested, so getting some Little Debbie cakes wouldn’t hurt anything. A Zebra Cake always makes things better. A man came around the corner and bumped into me causing the leaning tower of pork rinds in my arms to fall to the floor. The man never looked back and just said, “My bad,” and kept walking.

I began to weigh my choices and I decided that if I didn’t have to get home to mow the grass, I’d put a beatdown on that guy. Lucky for him, If I waited any longer to mow, I’d have to rent a Bush Hog and a hay bailer, so I moved on. Plus, with my luck, the guy would probably have been an MMA fighter and I’d have to mow with a body cast on.

As I tried to decide between the regular and the jumbo size Hershey bar, I started to think about some of the phrases like, “My bad” that we use that may not be understood. For example, a co-worker said to me, “Hey, put on a few pounds I see,” and then added, “Just kidding,” as if that keeps them from being held responsible. What are you going to do? If I punch them in the teeth then apparently human resources says that I’m being, “sensitive”.

Have you ever noticed that if someone starts off a sentence with, “No offense, but” then you better brace yourself because a doozie is coming your way. They may say, “No disrespect,” but then proceed to go ahead and disrespect you. They say, “I don’t mean to criticize, but,” then proceeds to do exactly that.

One of the phrases I hear now is, “Sorry, not sorry.” Well, which is it. Are you sorry or not? I’m always amazed when you ask someone a question and they say, “Can I be honest with you”? No, I asked you the question fully intending to have you lie to me.

Down here in the South, we have our own version of these phrases. When you’re at a family reunion and your grandma says that you, “Look healthy,” she is not saying that your multivitamins are working. It means that when you get out of church on Sunday, you might want to skip the fried chicken buffet at the KFC.

If someone follows their statement with, “God love ’em,” then you can bet they were just dealt an insult. You have those in the south that don’t want to get mixed up with your drama, but they’ll say, “I’m praying for you,” and call it a day. “I can’t help you move, but I’m praying for you”. Gee thanks.

Have you ever gotten a haircut, and someone says, “Oh that looks so much better?” Well, I wasn’t exactly Bigfoot before. If someone describes someone as “She’s got a great personality,” it means your uglier than the backside of a pig. If you buy some new Sunday shoes and someone says, “I don’t care what anybody says, they look comfortable,” then you may want to save the receipt.