Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...

By Jack Godbey

Columnist

A reader stopped me to say how much she enjoyed the column. So much so that I began to get the big head until she followed up her statements with, “You sure do write a lot about going to the grocery store.” I just chuckled and responded to her that I write about going to the store because that’s where I spend a lot of my time. The grocery store is where they keep the food and I’m spoiled in that I like to eat three meals every day. Unable to break free, I stood there for the next 15 minutes listening to her talk about her friends and co-workers, who I didn’t know. Heck, I didn’t even know her for that matter. Then she said something that caught my attention. She said, “My boss is such a bowl of oatmeal.”

That statement hit me like a ton of bricks. My mind began to race, thinking about how people’s personalities could be compared to breakfast cereals. I tried to convince myself that I had better things to think about, but I couldn’t get it out of my head. I soon realized that it made perfect sense. For example, I’ll admit right off the bat that I’m a cornflake. I’m basic with no frills but I get the job done. Plus, if I get too much milk, I’ll soften up my once-firm structure and sleep like a newborn calf.

I began to think about the people around me and wondered what type of cereal their personality would be. I think my wife would be a Frosted Flake. She’s basically the same as we cornflakes but she’s a whole lot sweeter. I had a co-worker once that was like a bowl of Rice Krispies. She’d manage to pour a little milk and then snap, crackle and pop about it the rest of the day. However, in truth, the noise was just hype for a bowl of flavorless mush.

I seem to run into a lot of Fruity Pebbles people these days. You know the type; all they care about is flavor without regard to the fact that they just consumed a week’s worth of sugar in a single bowl. I went to the dollar store the other day and saw a car that had parked so crookedly that it managed to take up three spots at the same time. Definitely a Fruity Pebbles person.

I’m thankful that I’ve known a lot of Cheerios in my day. These people are loyal and take care of business without all the fuss of those dreaded Froot Loops people who seem only to be interested in what’s easy and tastes good. However, I’ve known a lot of Grape Nuts in my life as well. You know these people. A little of them goes a long way and the more you eat the more the bowl seems to grow.

You ever meet someone who was just like a bowl Raisin Bran? Everything looks good and you enjoy an occasional sweet raisin but then realize once the raisins are gone you are left with a bowl of boring bran flakes. However, that’s better than those annoying Wheaties people. They say, “Look at me, I’m so healthy.” Go eat a donut and get over yourself.

I’m reminded of the time when I was nine years old; my sister bet me that I couldn’t eat an entire box of Raisin Bran in one sitting. Always up for a good bet, I took her up on it and finished the box in an impressive 15 minutes. However, I soon learned the effects of bran cereal on the human body as I spent the next 8 hours wearing a path back and forth to the outhouse. Still, totally worth it.